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September 6, 2006 - It's like the SATs for simple-minded conservatives
Bill just posted his new "Culture Warrior Test" on his Web site. He wanted to let his viewers
know whether they're culture warriors, like him, or secular-progressives (a term he made up
that he's trying desperately to introduce into the vernacular).
Don't have much time? Oh, don't worry. Bill's audience isn't one for long tests, introspection, or
critical thought, so Bill narrowed it down to five insipid questions. The options were “yes” or
“no.” We decided to elaborate on our answers.
1. Do you believe in "income redistribution"—that is, the government taxing affluent
Americans at a higher proportional rate in order to fund entitlements to the less well off?
Yes, we should tax the hell out of them. The top 1% of this nation's wealth is greater than the
lower 90% combined.
Note: we believe in a tax exemption for liberal authors.
2. Do you believe the definition of marriage should include homosexuals?
Yes, but only for hot women. You know, Bill, like the kind in the videos you have hidden in your
home office. Yes, the ones in the lower-left-hand drawer.
3. Do you think suspected terrorists captured overseas are entitled to Geneva Convention
protections—that is, the same rights that military people are afforded?
We should torture anyone even remotely suspected of terrorism. Or anyone who buys a
Michael Moore book. After all, they hate America. Right, Bill?
4. Do you believe that the USA, in general, is harmful to the world?
No. The U.S. is like cigarettes, Bill. That's why we only spend time in the U.S. when we drink.
Plus, living in the U.S. makes us look cool. And all our friends live in the U.S.
5. Are you against states legally mandating that parents be informed when their underage
daughters have abortions?
Maybe those parents should teach their daughters about birth control and get involved in their
lives. Maybe parents should stop forcing girls into ineffective abstinence programs at their
church. Maybe then their daughters wouldn't be getting abortions without their knowing. But
sure, we don't mind if they give the parents a jingle.
know whether they're culture warriors, like him, or secular-progressives (a term he made up
that he's trying desperately to introduce into the vernacular).
Don't have much time? Oh, don't worry. Bill's audience isn't one for long tests, introspection, or
critical thought, so Bill narrowed it down to five insipid questions. The options were “yes” or
“no.” We decided to elaborate on our answers.
1. Do you believe in "income redistribution"—that is, the government taxing affluent
Americans at a higher proportional rate in order to fund entitlements to the less well off?
Yes, we should tax the hell out of them. The top 1% of this nation's wealth is greater than the
lower 90% combined.
Note: we believe in a tax exemption for liberal authors.
2. Do you believe the definition of marriage should include homosexuals?
Yes, but only for hot women. You know, Bill, like the kind in the videos you have hidden in your
home office. Yes, the ones in the lower-left-hand drawer.
3. Do you think suspected terrorists captured overseas are entitled to Geneva Convention
protections—that is, the same rights that military people are afforded?
We should torture anyone even remotely suspected of terrorism. Or anyone who buys a
Michael Moore book. After all, they hate America. Right, Bill?
4. Do you believe that the USA, in general, is harmful to the world?
No. The U.S. is like cigarettes, Bill. That's why we only spend time in the U.S. when we drink.
Plus, living in the U.S. makes us look cool. And all our friends live in the U.S.
5. Are you against states legally mandating that parents be informed when their underage
daughters have abortions?
Maybe those parents should teach their daughters about birth control and get involved in their
lives. Maybe parents should stop forcing girls into ineffective abstinence programs at their
church. Maybe then their daughters wouldn't be getting abortions without their knowing. But
sure, we don't mind if they give the parents a jingle.
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