O'Reilly vs. Hillary: The Race That Never Was (and still he lost)
On September 23, 2003, Bill O’Reilly’s latest book, "Who's Looking Out For You?," hit bookshelves
across the United States. Mr. O. was in all his pompous glory as he predicted he would debut at the
top of the New York Times Best-Seller List. He tirelessly pitched his book day after day on his
television programme, ensuring a self-fulfilled prophecy. Indeed, Bill debuted in the top spot and
promptly reminded his viewers of his prediction.
There was a problem, though. Books penned by liberals Al Franken and Michael Moore were
suddenly knocking him from the perch his ego fondly calls home. This was problematic for Mr. O and
his fragile psyche. So, how could Bill pump up book sales? Well, he could peddle it every single
fucking day on the his highly rated cable news programme. Consider it done. Still, there must be a
way to sell more. But how?
Let The Fake Race Begin
Although his arch-rival Al Franken's satirical book “Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them” proved to
be his greatest competition, Bill seemed more preoccupied with Hillary Clinton's "A Living History."
Suddenly, he announced there was a race between sales of his book and Clinton’s. It was a curious
race to be sure. Why was there a race? Why would the race be with Hillary and not Al Franken, who
put a rather nasty photo of Mr. O on the cover? In fact, Mr. Franken dedicated an entire section
of his book to O'Reilly's lies. Hadn’t Franken already established himself as the Moriarty to O’Reilly’s
dashing Holmes? But would a race with Al Franken spur his book sales? Probably not. Who would
Bill be able to position his book against? Enter Hillary, the long-established bete noire of the lunatic
right. Soon phrases like "If you don't want Hillary to win ..." were casually bandied about. It was clear
the race was going to be a heated one, except for the inconvenient fact that Ms. Clinton apparently
had no idea she was in it. Still, it was up to "the folks" to show her. Bill had found a whole new way to
tap into the common man’s latent love of literature: spite.
The Evidence Starts to Pour In
Just out of the starting gates, however, ol’ Bill was already looking like a longshot. Hillary had quite a
head start. How could Bill win? It looked bleak, but then some stunning surprise evidence surfaced.
In the December 16 installment of “The O’Reilly Factor’s homage to Voltaire, The Most Ridiculous
Item of the Day, glad tidings came from the heartland’s humblest of outposts: Costco.
"While I was signing (the book), a Costco manager handed me a sheet of paper with sales figures.
As you know, we are in a fight with Hillary Clinton for bestselling non-fiction book of the year. Since
September, in Costcos across the country, ‘Who's Looking Out for You?’ has sold 96,000. Hillary's
book has sold less than 9,000 copies. Ninety-six thousand. Nine thousand. We've got a real shot at
overtaking Mrs. Clinton. We have two weeks to do it. Ridiculous? Only if you're rooting
for her. "
Okay, there are like ninety things wrong with this statement. Here are three:
1. "As you know, we're in a fight"? What the fuck is he talking about? Who started the fight? Does
Hilary know this thing has escalated from a fake race to a fake fight? It is becoming abundantly clear
that Bill needs to up his meds.
2. Are the sales at a single Costco a representative sampling of total book sales?
3. "Only if you're rooting for her?" People are rooting? Rooting for what? Seriously, he's fucking nuts.
Two weeks left: Clinton 1,084,520, O'Reilly 430,407 (Franken 674,024)
With two weeks left in the year, conservative web journalist Matt Drudge got hold of the sales figures
and reported that O'Reilly wasn't even close to hitting Clinton's number. In fact, he was also getting
slaughtered by Franken. This report would infuriate O'Reilly to no end. He stopped at nothing to spin
this one, which is odd since Bill says he detests "spin" and claims to only rely on factual information.
Drudge, who simply reported the Nielsen numbers, was all but spin-proof in this case. The only facts
O'Reilly had seen fit to report thus far had been meticulously gleaned from a Long Island Costco
manager.
She's Cheating!!! She's Cheating!!! She's Cheating In The Fake Race!!!
On December 18, the fake race was once again the subject of The Most Ridiculous Item of The Day
... ironic, I know. "As for the race between Hillary's book and ‘Who's Looking Out?’ we are closing in.
Broadway Books has gone back for a sixth printing since September, bringing the total of ‘Who's...’ in
print to close to a million. The senator has sold around a million, but a good amount of those were
purchased by the Democratic National Committee. That doesn't count, Senator."
Okay, I hate to use chat jargon, but ROTFLMAO. "That doesn't count, Senator" is truly a classic line. Is
he serious? Is he sending her a personal message? Is he accusing her of cheating in the race?
THE FAKE FUCKING RACE!!??!?? His fans are morons … Sorry, I meant to say “fucking morons.”
I'm Too Busy For Your Stupid Race That I Started
Friday, December 19, 2003: O'Reilly is at it again. "The Palm Beach Post is reporting that Senator
Hillary Clinton signed books for hundreds of people down in Florida -- but the average time they got
with her? Each person? (just) eight seconds. Eight! Whoa. Mrs. Clinton has had time to do scores of
signings around the country, but I've only had time to do four because I have to work. I'd love to be
down there in South Florida signing copies of ‘Who's Looking Out for You?’ Believe me, you'd get
more than eight seconds with me, although some folks think that's too much time.”
Classic O'Reilly. First he says Hillary isn't spending enough time with each person at her book
signings and then in the next fucking sentence he says Hillary is spending all this time gallivanting
around the country doing signings while he has to "work"... implying she doesn't... or that she's at
least shirking her duties. So she's ONLY spending eight seconds with each person, but she
shouldn't be spending ANY time with them at all. So what is his point? And then my favourite part:
Even though he can't spend any time with you the viewer at a booking signing, he promises he'd
spend more time with you than dumb ol' Hillary did, but he can't. WHAT?
On Friday, January 2, 2004 he reiterates why he's losing the fake race. Apparently he's too busy
looking out for the folks. "I've received a ton of letters asking why I don't travel around the country
doing signings for ‘Who's Looking Out for You?’ Hillary Clinton has dozens of events for her book,
and the smear people are all over the place. But I have to work doing both radio and TV daily, and air
travel throughout the USA is brutal." Poor, poor Bill.
Finish Line For Fake Race Arrives
So the race is over. Wow, it must have been a close one. Bill tried so hard to win. Maybe he did.
Maybe it was close. Even if Hillary won, it was because she cheated. I waited for the published
results of book sales for 2003. Would Bill be one ahead of Hillary? Would he win in spite of his fake
nemesis’ lies and cheating? Would he be just a shade behind Hillary? Yeah, but then he could still
claim moral victory because of all the DNC copies.
The final results of 2003 book sales were printed in the March 22nd issue of Publisher's Weekly.
Hillary Clinton: 1,546,000
Bill O'Reilly: 932,750
You see, Bill is a piece of shit liar. The whole fucking thing was a lie from the beginning. He wasn’t
even fucking close. And the really nice part of all this is that he personally made money off of every
fool who believed it and rushed out to buy another book. Well, at least he's stealing from stupid,
stupid people. And when I say that, I mean "the folks."
Sour Grapes
Well, Bill lost the race, although I don’t believe he has ever admitted to it. I think he just moved the
finish line to some arbitrary date in the future. Not a specific date yet. Just a date when he can say
that he has sold more books than Hillary. It’ll be nice for the people who are rooting. Still fights his
delusions:
January 8, 2004. "(Drudge) has repeatedly misled his readers about book sales. He quotes the
Nielsen Group and says Hillary's book is this and that, the smear books are this and that, and
O'Reilly's book doesn't measure up, na da da da da. Nonsense. And Drudge knows it. “
Okay, so Drudge quoted a report from the Nielsen company. He, unlike O’Reilly, didn’t make it
personal at all. He quoted facts. Where did he say that O’Reilly’s book didn’t “measure up’? Oh, that’
s right, Bill’s a delusional fuck whose paranoia, conspiracy theories and low self-esteem cloud
nearly everything, especially reality. “This coming Sunday will mark the fifth week ‘Who's Looking Out
for You?’ is number one on The New York Times bestseller list.”
You see now, he's just nuts. It doesn't even matter who sold more books at this point. Bill's all alone
in the race. He's just a pathetic ranting lunatic. He even got his publisher to fight his silly battle.
“My publisher actually sent Drudge a letter saying that the Nielsen company does not count book
sales from many major department stores and other places. ‘Who's Looking Out for You?’ does
great business in these venues. “
Well Bill, you’re right on this one, they don’t count your sales in those venues. But guess what? They
don’t count Hillary’s either, you dumb fuck. So it’s a wash.
“For example, at Costco, we've outsold Hillary since September nine to one.”
HOLY FUCK! The imbecile just brought up Costco again.
On September 23, 2003, Bill O’Reilly’s latest book, "Who's Looking Out For You?," hit bookshelves
across the United States. Mr. O. was in all his pompous glory as he predicted he would debut at the
top of the New York Times Best-Seller List. He tirelessly pitched his book day after day on his
television programme, ensuring a self-fulfilled prophecy. Indeed, Bill debuted in the top spot and
promptly reminded his viewers of his prediction.
There was a problem, though. Books penned by liberals Al Franken and Michael Moore were
suddenly knocking him from the perch his ego fondly calls home. This was problematic for Mr. O and
his fragile psyche. So, how could Bill pump up book sales? Well, he could peddle it every single
fucking day on the his highly rated cable news programme. Consider it done. Still, there must be a
way to sell more. But how?
Let The Fake Race Begin
Although his arch-rival Al Franken's satirical book “Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them” proved to
be his greatest competition, Bill seemed more preoccupied with Hillary Clinton's "A Living History."
Suddenly, he announced there was a race between sales of his book and Clinton’s. It was a curious
race to be sure. Why was there a race? Why would the race be with Hillary and not Al Franken, who
put a rather nasty photo of Mr. O on the cover? In fact, Mr. Franken dedicated an entire section
of his book to O'Reilly's lies. Hadn’t Franken already established himself as the Moriarty to O’Reilly’s
dashing Holmes? But would a race with Al Franken spur his book sales? Probably not. Who would
Bill be able to position his book against? Enter Hillary, the long-established bete noire of the lunatic
right. Soon phrases like "If you don't want Hillary to win ..." were casually bandied about. It was clear
the race was going to be a heated one, except for the inconvenient fact that Ms. Clinton apparently
had no idea she was in it. Still, it was up to "the folks" to show her. Bill had found a whole new way to
tap into the common man’s latent love of literature: spite.
The Evidence Starts to Pour In
Just out of the starting gates, however, ol’ Bill was already looking like a longshot. Hillary had quite a
head start. How could Bill win? It looked bleak, but then some stunning surprise evidence surfaced.
In the December 16 installment of “The O’Reilly Factor’s homage to Voltaire, The Most Ridiculous
Item of the Day, glad tidings came from the heartland’s humblest of outposts: Costco.
"While I was signing (the book), a Costco manager handed me a sheet of paper with sales figures.
As you know, we are in a fight with Hillary Clinton for bestselling non-fiction book of the year. Since
September, in Costcos across the country, ‘Who's Looking Out for You?’ has sold 96,000. Hillary's
book has sold less than 9,000 copies. Ninety-six thousand. Nine thousand. We've got a real shot at
overtaking Mrs. Clinton. We have two weeks to do it. Ridiculous? Only if you're rooting
for her. "
Okay, there are like ninety things wrong with this statement. Here are three:
1. "As you know, we're in a fight"? What the fuck is he talking about? Who started the fight? Does
Hilary know this thing has escalated from a fake race to a fake fight? It is becoming abundantly clear
that Bill needs to up his meds.
2. Are the sales at a single Costco a representative sampling of total book sales?
3. "Only if you're rooting for her?" People are rooting? Rooting for what? Seriously, he's fucking nuts.
Two weeks left: Clinton 1,084,520, O'Reilly 430,407 (Franken 674,024)
With two weeks left in the year, conservative web journalist Matt Drudge got hold of the sales figures
and reported that O'Reilly wasn't even close to hitting Clinton's number. In fact, he was also getting
slaughtered by Franken. This report would infuriate O'Reilly to no end. He stopped at nothing to spin
this one, which is odd since Bill says he detests "spin" and claims to only rely on factual information.
Drudge, who simply reported the Nielsen numbers, was all but spin-proof in this case. The only facts
O'Reilly had seen fit to report thus far had been meticulously gleaned from a Long Island Costco
manager.
She's Cheating!!! She's Cheating!!! She's Cheating In The Fake Race!!!
On December 18, the fake race was once again the subject of The Most Ridiculous Item of The Day
... ironic, I know. "As for the race between Hillary's book and ‘Who's Looking Out?’ we are closing in.
Broadway Books has gone back for a sixth printing since September, bringing the total of ‘Who's...’ in
print to close to a million. The senator has sold around a million, but a good amount of those were
purchased by the Democratic National Committee. That doesn't count, Senator."
Okay, I hate to use chat jargon, but ROTFLMAO. "That doesn't count, Senator" is truly a classic line. Is
he serious? Is he sending her a personal message? Is he accusing her of cheating in the race?
THE FAKE FUCKING RACE!!??!?? His fans are morons … Sorry, I meant to say “fucking morons.”
I'm Too Busy For Your Stupid Race That I Started
Friday, December 19, 2003: O'Reilly is at it again. "The Palm Beach Post is reporting that Senator
Hillary Clinton signed books for hundreds of people down in Florida -- but the average time they got
with her? Each person? (just) eight seconds. Eight! Whoa. Mrs. Clinton has had time to do scores of
signings around the country, but I've only had time to do four because I have to work. I'd love to be
down there in South Florida signing copies of ‘Who's Looking Out for You?’ Believe me, you'd get
more than eight seconds with me, although some folks think that's too much time.”
Classic O'Reilly. First he says Hillary isn't spending enough time with each person at her book
signings and then in the next fucking sentence he says Hillary is spending all this time gallivanting
around the country doing signings while he has to "work"... implying she doesn't... or that she's at
least shirking her duties. So she's ONLY spending eight seconds with each person, but she
shouldn't be spending ANY time with them at all. So what is his point? And then my favourite part:
Even though he can't spend any time with you the viewer at a booking signing, he promises he'd
spend more time with you than dumb ol' Hillary did, but he can't. WHAT?
On Friday, January 2, 2004 he reiterates why he's losing the fake race. Apparently he's too busy
looking out for the folks. "I've received a ton of letters asking why I don't travel around the country
doing signings for ‘Who's Looking Out for You?’ Hillary Clinton has dozens of events for her book,
and the smear people are all over the place. But I have to work doing both radio and TV daily, and air
travel throughout the USA is brutal." Poor, poor Bill.
Finish Line For Fake Race Arrives
So the race is over. Wow, it must have been a close one. Bill tried so hard to win. Maybe he did.
Maybe it was close. Even if Hillary won, it was because she cheated. I waited for the published
results of book sales for 2003. Would Bill be one ahead of Hillary? Would he win in spite of his fake
nemesis’ lies and cheating? Would he be just a shade behind Hillary? Yeah, but then he could still
claim moral victory because of all the DNC copies.
The final results of 2003 book sales were printed in the March 22nd issue of Publisher's Weekly.
Hillary Clinton: 1,546,000
Bill O'Reilly: 932,750
You see, Bill is a piece of shit liar. The whole fucking thing was a lie from the beginning. He wasn’t
even fucking close. And the really nice part of all this is that he personally made money off of every
fool who believed it and rushed out to buy another book. Well, at least he's stealing from stupid,
stupid people. And when I say that, I mean "the folks."
Sour Grapes
Well, Bill lost the race, although I don’t believe he has ever admitted to it. I think he just moved the
finish line to some arbitrary date in the future. Not a specific date yet. Just a date when he can say
that he has sold more books than Hillary. It’ll be nice for the people who are rooting. Still fights his
delusions:
January 8, 2004. "(Drudge) has repeatedly misled his readers about book sales. He quotes the
Nielsen Group and says Hillary's book is this and that, the smear books are this and that, and
O'Reilly's book doesn't measure up, na da da da da. Nonsense. And Drudge knows it. “
Okay, so Drudge quoted a report from the Nielsen company. He, unlike O’Reilly, didn’t make it
personal at all. He quoted facts. Where did he say that O’Reilly’s book didn’t “measure up’? Oh, that’
s right, Bill’s a delusional fuck whose paranoia, conspiracy theories and low self-esteem cloud
nearly everything, especially reality. “This coming Sunday will mark the fifth week ‘Who's Looking Out
for You?’ is number one on The New York Times bestseller list.”
You see now, he's just nuts. It doesn't even matter who sold more books at this point. Bill's all alone
in the race. He's just a pathetic ranting lunatic. He even got his publisher to fight his silly battle.
“My publisher actually sent Drudge a letter saying that the Nielsen company does not count book
sales from many major department stores and other places. ‘Who's Looking Out for You?’ does
great business in these venues. “
Well Bill, you’re right on this one, they don’t count your sales in those venues. But guess what? They
don’t count Hillary’s either, you dumb fuck. So it’s a wash.
“For example, at Costco, we've outsold Hillary since September nine to one.”
HOLY FUCK! The imbecile just brought up Costco again.
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
Sweet Jesus, I hate Bill O'Reilly, Intl.
an organization of hope
an organization of hope